I just really need to get some of these thoughts out of my system. My poor husband is more worried than I am (if you can imagine), and my family and friends can only listen to the same concerns so many times. Maybe they're better people than I am - but if I were them, I'd want to kill them for droning on and on about this stupid surgery so much.
I am really hurt that my grandmother hasn't called me. She's super Catholic (or she pretends to be), she knows, and hasn't even called to say she's praying for me. My mom's students (she teaches 2nd grade) made me a card and a few other paper doo-dads. They've never even met me! But my own grandmother can't bother to call.
Friends I haven't talked to in years (except via Facebook) have emailed their well wishes, but nope - not granny. How fucking rude. When she was in the hospital last year, I took off work and ran my ass off to get her a cozy planket, pillow, snacks, room freshener, etc.
Whatever.
I got my hair cut though. I'm really worried that I won't be able to wash my hair for 4 days... it's realy oily, where I hate not washing it every day (sometimes 2x/day). It's chin-length in the front and at the base of my skull in the back. It does not look good on me, but I didn't really have a choice. I want to be able to pin the bangs, but not have hair on my back or neck when it's all greasy and gross. So this will do. It's just hair, it'll grow back. Plus, I assumed they'd have to shave it anwyay, so this is still better.
Rob and I are meeting with my family priest for the blessing of the sick today. Scary. Even though I'm not at all religious, I want him to say a prayer for me. Come to think of it though, my marriage isn't really recognized by the church. I wonder if Fr. John will 'marry' us today, too. If not - maybe I'll do a church thing when I'm all better. Y'know -because you never know.
I cried myself to sleep last night. I was crying so hard I could hardly breathe - and when I did, half the time I was choking. I want nothing more than to go back to work and pretend this never happened.
So I know I haven't posted in more than six months. But I need to get some things out... I'm scared.
I found out yesterday (Friday) that I have a 1" brain tumor.
The good:
It's benign
It's in a relatively decent place
I get to miss work for 4 weeks
I'm on Rob's awesome insurance
I elected to get the Short Term Disability coverate at work
I have a job with good people who understand I need to take time off
They found it
I could have gotten knocked up and it would have ruptured from the stress of pregnancy
I'm young and otherwise healthy
I'm going to Northwestern, a phenomenal hospital
I have an awesome neuro surgen operating on me
The bad:
I have to have brain surgery
I can't wash my hair for 4 days
I can't have my hair in a pony tail or clip for a while
I will have to have a catheter
I'm scared shitless
I'm having fucking brain surgery
I know everything will be just fine. I know that. But I'm still scared and worried and don't want them to operate. I don't want my skull opened up. I don't want them to touch me, poke me, drill holes in me, take a hammer or saw to any part of me...but I know I have no choice. :(
