Posts (page 2)
Ok, so I admit I had the surgery the week I did (rather than the following week) partially so I would be a smidge more healed in time for the Nada Surf shows later this year. (We have tickets to see them in Chicago and Minneapolis after Thanksgiving.) Though a larger part of that decision was just to have it over with and not agonize about what's to come, losing sleep and such. But a small factor was how quickly I'd bounce back to see Nada Surf.
I think this is the only time in my life I'm relieved they're playing so few Midwestern shows. Otherwise we'd have tickets to see them in a number of cities, and I know I'm not going to be up for that. Rob and I are already unsure about the MN show. I should be able to do the Metro - it's close, and it's a familiar place. I'm also glad the shows are so late in the season. When these shows were announced, I never thought November would come! Now, I can't believe it's already November 4, and hope the days drag slowly and I recover quickly so we can go and have a good time. I will be sober though - bummer no booze on Norco.
My hearing has changed since the surgery - I hope it's not permanent! I hear weird echos and high pitched sounds (from kids screaming to my own voice) sound even more shrill. But I also hear music differently. Not bad different, either. I can't really explain it. So a show will be interesting.
Do most people always have a song running through their head? I think I do about 50% of the time. But when I was in the hospital, I think I had a handful of songs that were running over and over for weeks:
Weezer (Holiday, Heart Songs),
Nada Surf (Pressure Free, Spooky, & 80 Windows [which was weird since I didn't used to like that song and now I love it]),
and Local H (PJ Soles).
So I'm trying to look forward to happier things to come instead of dwelling on my tumor since that just bums me out. Rob and I were supposed to see a bunch of other shows this month that we're skipping now, poo, but he's still going to Smashing Pumpkins (at least I really want him to go - I'd be sad if he missed it on my account). Such is life, right?
I'm also looking forward to Thanksgiving. I have a lot to be thankful for this year. Yeah yeah, cliche I know. But I am truly lucky that my brain tumor was benign, that we caught it before I got pregnant, that the neurosurgeon got it all (which is very rare), that I didn't have any on my spine, that I have short term disability, that Rob didn't cheap out on insurance like I wanted him to, that I have family and friends who are supportive, that I have Rob - I don't know how I'd have gotten through this without him.
I am excited about our first anniversary - one week from today. I have no idea what I'm going to get Rob (paper / clock) since I can't get out to the stores and we're kind of broke because of medical bills and my partial pay and stuff...But I'm just glad to be home to celebrate it with him. It's been a crazy first year of marriage - I know he really meant it when he said in sickness and in health. Even though the minister had to prompt him a second time to say "I do". hah
So I'll try and stay positive, and not so "woe is me" even though it's easy to be a drama queen post brain surgery.
After a week at Northwestern recovering and a week at physical therapy inpatient rehab, I am finally home!
I have to wear a very sexy eyepatch because I have double vision and without it I have horrible headaches. I've gotten so many wonderful cards, flowers, and gifts from people I never thought would have found out or even cared. It's so nice to know that people do indeed care.
My head hurts, which I suppose is expected. But my scalp feels like I'm wearing a leather hat...it's hard to explain. But it doesn't feel like my scalp or head.
But the great news is that I'm home. The surgery went well. The tumor was bigger than the doctor expected (2 cm x 3 cm), and wrapped around the brain stem more than he thought. But he got it all, and I'm home. Being home is the most amazing feeling. My husband has been wonderful. I don't think I could have gotten through this without him.
I just really need to get some of these thoughts out of my system. My poor husband is more worried than I am (if you can imagine), and my family and friends can only listen to the same concerns so many times. Maybe they're better people than I am - but if I were them, I'd want to kill them for droning on and on about this stupid surgery so much.
I am really hurt that my grandmother hasn't called me. She's super Catholic (or she pretends to be), she knows, and hasn't even called to say she's praying for me. My mom's students (she teaches 2nd grade) made me a card and a few other paper doo-dads. They've never even met me! But my own grandmother can't bother to call.
Friends I haven't talked to in years (except via Facebook) have emailed their well wishes, but nope - not granny. How fucking rude. When she was in the hospital last year, I took off work and ran my ass off to get her a cozy planket, pillow, snacks, room freshener, etc.
Whatever.
I got my hair cut though. I'm really worried that I won't be able to wash my hair for 4 days... it's realy oily, where I hate not washing it every day (sometimes 2x/day). It's chin-length in the front and at the base of my skull in the back. It does not look good on me, but I didn't really have a choice. I want to be able to pin the bangs, but not have hair on my back or neck when it's all greasy and gross. So this will do. It's just hair, it'll grow back. Plus, I assumed they'd have to shave it anwyay, so this is still better.
Rob and I are meeting with my family priest for the blessing of the sick today. Scary. Even though I'm not at all religious, I want him to say a prayer for me. Come to think of it though, my marriage isn't really recognized by the church. I wonder if Fr. John will 'marry' us today, too. If not - maybe I'll do a church thing when I'm all better. Y'know -because you never know.
I cried myself to sleep last night. I was crying so hard I could hardly breathe - and when I did, half the time I was choking. I want nothing more than to go back to work and pretend this never happened.
So I know I haven't posted in more than six months. But I need to get some things out... I'm scared.
I found out yesterday (Friday) that I have a 1" brain tumor.
The good:
It's benign
It's in a relatively decent place
I get to miss work for 4 weeks
I'm on Rob's awesome insurance
I elected to get the Short Term Disability coverate at work
I have a job with good people who understand I need to take time off
They found it
I could have gotten knocked up and it would have ruptured from the stress of pregnancy
I'm young and otherwise healthy
I'm going to Northwestern, a phenomenal hospital
I have an awesome neuro surgen operating on me
The bad:
I have to have brain surgery
I can't wash my hair for 4 days
I can't have my hair in a pony tail or clip for a while
I will have to have a catheter
I'm scared shitless
I'm having fucking brain surgery
I know everything will be just fine. I know that. But I'm still scared and worried and don't want them to operate. I don't want my skull opened up. I don't want them to touch me, poke me, drill holes in me, take a hammer or saw to any part of me...but I know I have no choice. :(
